Shit I Find on Resumes

you know you make me wanna shout

2011-03-01T12:35:00.001-08:00

PHUKET PARTY HARD

2011-02-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

not gonna lie, this actually looks like a lot of fun.

A+++ best resume ever 10/10, would read again

ohno, bono plays uno with yoko ono

2011-01-25T13:25:00.000-08:00

it's alright ma'am, i'm a professional

2011-01-25T09:08:00.001-08:00

you say tomato i say totomatoto

2011-01-11T09:51:00.000-08:00

wtf

2010-12-28T09:47:00.001-08:00

How the...how did you....what even is....

integral ingrate

2010-12-21T08:38:00.001-08:00

i know your 's' key isn't broken

2010-12-16T09:15:00.000-08:00

I seen you spellt 'service.' I seen't it with my own eyes.

AND THE INTERNET

2010-12-15T10:41:00.001-08:00

CLINTS

2010-12-15T09:47:00.001-08:00

proper propaganda

2010-12-09T13:50:00.000-08:00

Any one of these lines is funny enough on its own.
But he decided to put them all together for a giant ball of delicious stupidity.

le sigh

2010-11-29T06:52:00.001-08:00

wow what a nice resume, let me just go ahead and...

2010-11-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

you got a little something on your face

2010-11-09T11:53:00.001-08:00

:D

2010-11-04T11:58:00.001-07:00

you dirty dirty girl

2010-11-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

ogod

2010-11-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

Oh god. I was going to put a picture of a mare in here. But then I didn't.

On a related note, don't google image search 'mare' unless you really want to see horse genitals.

I guess I'll be having some night-mares tonight. hahahahahahaha.

how do you forget your title

2010-10-29T08:45:00.001-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

2010-10-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

HAHAHHAHAHA

I GET IT

HAHHAHAHAyeahno

he likes to teteteteach

2010-10-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

cattle ranch

2010-10-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

ABLE STAIRS

2010-10-18T09:19:00.001-07:00

www.thesaurus.com

What the hell is that?

2010-10-18T09:11:00.001-07:00

Go buy a dictionary.

That's not even close to a proper objective

2010-10-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

Good to Know?

2010-10-05T09:35:00.001-07:00

Bi Means 'Two'

2010-10-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

QUADRILINGUAAAAAAAAAAL

Dnt Frgt the VWLS

2010-10-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

Redunding to Redundancy

2010-10-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

OH GOD SHE'S FROM THE FUTURE

2010-09-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

Shitty Resume Titles Part II: y this

2010-09-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

This is not professional.

This is just dumb.

Thats...that's not how the saying goes.

2010-09-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

If you were a master of all trades then you wouldn't be a Jack.

Tommy Lee Jones is not impressed.

Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

2010-09-22T09:05:00.001-07:00

You, sir, are an asshole

2010-09-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

And don't say it was a typo, mother fucker.

lets get some shoes

2010-09-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

You see he may be able to sell shoes, but he only stocks them one at a time.

fuck yeah

2010-09-16T13:31:00.000-07:00

If I were him I would have just added this picture for effect:

Quiboo

2010-09-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

Wow

2010-09-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

We should all be so lucky, I guess.

Representative Behavior

2010-09-13T08:06:00.001-07:00

How do you even confuse the two words?

Attention Grabber Paradox

2010-09-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

You done good son. You done good.

What the hell

2010-09-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

The entire resume looks like it was trying to break out of prison.

get it

because of all the bars.

Ship It

2010-09-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

Sure About That?

2010-08-31T09:45:00.001-07:00

press DELETE

2010-08-31T08:53:00.000-07:00

Press 'Delete', she did not.

Men's Wharehouse

2010-08-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

"Garçon, coffee!"

2010-08-27T07:17:00.000-07:00

HeMan has a Resume Too

2010-08-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

Probably the overstatement of the day, at least.

Ayo Wheres Da Gabbagoo?

2010-08-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say...

that this guy...

is keeping his wits about him.

STOP YELLING AT ME

2010-08-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

He really didn't need to use all capital letters here. The only thing more annoying than seeing all caps on a resume is someone that uses pure lower case. I'm just waiting for the day somebody uses rAnDoM cAps.

Somebody Blow the Foghorn

2010-08-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

You know it's great that this guy got his resume critiqued. You really should since it's the only impression the person reviewing it will ever get of you. This guy could be the best employee I've ever seen, but I'm never going to know because holy shit is this resume awful.

1) On top of everything else, nobody is ever going to read through 50 bullet points off a random resume.

2) Do you know why? Because this guy didn't even read through his own resume before putting it out there (as you might have noticed).

3) Some people wonder why they aint got no job.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

2010-08-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

Resumes are designed to sell yourself, not the other way around.

Geometry

2010-08-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

A Nice Ass

2010-08-17T11:49:00.000-07:00

Times New Roman Point 12

2010-08-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Not like this. Not like this.

Template Fail

2010-08-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know how that happened.

The Gayest Thing I've Heard Today

2010-08-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

I called someone today.

His name was Julio.

He had a personal ringtone.

I'm guessing he doesn't know what the lyrics mean.

Less Than Three

2010-08-10T13:32:00.001-07:00

"Linda's <3"

She put a heart. On her resume title.

IT'S OVER 9000 (strokes per minute)

2010-08-10T08:23:00.000-07:00

"10000+spm"

That plus sign leaves me ever so intrigued.

WHY DONT YOU HAVE A PROFESSIONAL EMAIL?

2010-08-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

You put your first name, then your last name and then an @ sign after it.

You don't list yourself as 'baddestbitch'

or 'cuttiepie'

or 'puppetmaster'

At Least You Get A Tax Break

2010-08-10T08:13:00.001-07:00

Basically his entire resume (it wasn't long) explains how he was incarcerated for five years, but was an armed security guard prior to that.

Home Sweet Home

2010-08-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

"I am wanting to go back home."

His entire resume was IN BOLD.

Not Really Found on a Resume

2010-08-09T10:17:00.001-07:00

"Please leave a message after the beep...happy new year"

It's August.

Well She Means Well

2010-08-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

"make my work place a god environment"

Coworkers must love having her around.

C'mon, You Can Do Better Than That

2010-08-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

"Bachlor’s Degree"

The red squiggly line means you're doing something wrong.

"An College Graduate"

This is an big failure on their part.

Bonus:

"Professional rainmaker"

I'd hire this guy, wouldn't you?

Hehehehehehe

2010-08-05T12:53:00.001-07:00

"Backend Collector"

Hehehe. Backend.

Formatting is Cool

2010-08-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

Trust me, this guy's resume looked like somebody shot a zebra.

He Doesn't Know

2010-08-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

"i don’t no"

Well I don’t know either buddy, but I do know nobody is going to look at your resume with a title like that.

Shitty Resume Excerpts Part I: Shit I Find on Resumes

2010-08-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the shitty blog that features shitty resumes. Below are some gems that I've found via a number of sources over a long period of time of looking at shitty resumes.

"Serious Medical Assistant"

:| super srs face

"I WILL GIVE YOU 120%"

One-hundred and twenty percent. He will give it to you.

"The Chosen One"

Still don't know what the hell this one means.

"Persistant and Consistant"

More like consistently bad at spelling.

"Walking Blessing"

What?

"Casualty Producer"

Yes it was taken out of context. Yes it's still funny.